I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
