Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
