Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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