Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
