I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize