Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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