Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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