all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
