He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize