This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
