Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
