U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
