i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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