I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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