Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
