y did u give ur computer a hand job?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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