i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
