Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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