I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
