this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
