I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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