ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Someone signed my nipple.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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