He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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