im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this just has baby written all over it
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
