The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
