textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
