She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
