I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
