I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
