you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
