they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
