All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
