You just made me feel so damn special
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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