Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
