I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
