Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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