He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
