halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
