And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize