Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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