Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
