Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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