It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
