it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
