this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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