My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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