there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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