I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
