There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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