So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
