the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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