apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
