Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
