I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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