I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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