Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
