Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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