At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
organizing the empties. That sober.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
