I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
