The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
