I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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