I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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