Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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