yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
