I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
