wrigley field is MILF paradise
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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