my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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