3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
