i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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