he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
