i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
