My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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